How dating myself, saved my marriage
They say the most important relationship you have is with yourself. That you must love and value yourself first, before you can love and value anyone else.
I never quite understood exactly what that meant, until about 9 years ago, when I almost lost the love of my life, and the only way to save my relationship was to start dating someone else…..
I met my now husband, Erran, about 9 years ago. I was a lost puppy. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted in my life. I was wandering aimlessly in this shell of a body, with no tether or connection to anyone or anything.
Because I had absolutely no relationship or connection to myself, I was very insecure and jealous. I was always living in a place of comparison. Everyone was prettier than me, smarter than me, cooler than me, funnier than me- basically better than me in every way possible.
This jealousy oozed out of my pores and leaked out in my relationship, creating tension, arguing, and lots of tears.
I had no hobbies of my own, no real interests(unless you count going out to eat, watching TV or drinking Rum & Cokes) I never took any ‘Me Time”, because I felt uncomfortable being alone and spending time with someone that felt like a total stranger.
Somehow I had gotten so lost along the way, I didn’t even recognize the reflection in the mirror.
I was always looking for Erran to make me feel valued, make me feel loved, give me attention, entertain me, and make me feel good enough. I looked to him to complete me and fill me up, because I was so empty and void inside.
Needless to say these incredible high expectations were very difficult for Erran to live up to, and he was exhausted. I was exhausted. I felt so needy, whiny, and so uncomfortable in my own skin.
It’s funny to look at it now from this perspective, because Erran was this incredible man, and he checked all the boxes. He was kind, patient, loving, fun, and he loved and supported me unconditionally. Yet I still couldn’t be happy, because I was so unhappy with myself.
I realized one day, after yet another downpour of tears and screams because I felt like Erran wasn’t giving me enough attention, I had this A-Ha moment. I was literally going to loose the love of my life if I kept this up. I realized I had to stop searching for love and validation outside of myself.
I decided that I needed to stop focusing so much energy on my relationship with Erran , and start building a solid foundation and relationship with myself.
I needed to start dating myself, and fall in love with me all over again.
This was really scary for me, because not only did I not love myself, but I didn’t even know anything about myself. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had spent any alone time with just me. I wasn’t sure even where to begin, but I knew I had to do something.
We(Me, Myself, & I) had to start from scratch. We took it slow, and began building from the ground up. There were many awkward silences, and uncomfortable date nights, but we honored our commitment, and kept showing up and taking the time to nurture the relationship, and get to know one another on a intimate level.
We(Me, Myself & I) explored many dimensions and went to many levels together on our date nights.
A few ways we got to know each other:
-We had lots of Q & A time- allowing ourselves to be real and go deeper.
-We explored new hobbies and new interests together
-We talked about what we liked, and what we didn’t
-We wrote lists of thing that sparked our creativity and imagination
-We read inspiring books
-We walked & talked, and we basically just got down and dirty, and got to know each other on a whole new level.
The best part was, the more I got to know me, the more I genuinely began to like spending time with me. I realized I was a pretty cool chick. I was funny, smart, talented, kind, creative, adventurous, motivated, and I loved trying new things. I turned out to be a pretty HOT date!!
The more connected I was to myself, the more connected I began to feel in my relationship with Erran.
I could finally let him off the hook. I no longer needed him to fill the holes, and connect the gaps, I didn’t need him to fill me up anymore!
I realized all the love, happiness, and attention I was searching for was already within me. I just had to peel back the layers, and tap into it. I began to fill myself up all on my own!! What a gift!!
By rekindling the relationship with myself, I rediscovered a healthier, more loving way to be in my romantic relationship, and that’s when things got really got good!
Erran became a partner to have fun with, explore life with, and have adventures with, but he wasn’t there to complete me.
He became an extension of all the love, joy, and value I had discovered within myself.
I am happy to say today, Erran and I have been married for over 5 years, and we are happier than ever. We work on ourselves and on our relationship every single day!!
The biggest take away we’ve learned throughout the years is that the more love and support we have for ourselves, the more unconditional love we can share with one another.
The more grounded and connected we are individually, the stronger our foundation is as a unit!
I still make date nights with myself a priority, and having my “Me Time” has become one of my favorite things to do, and is a part of my daily practice.
Through our Spiritual Practice and Practical Tools, Erran and I transformed our Life and our Relationship TOGETHER! We now want to take all we have learned, and continue to learn and inspire other couples to connect on a deeper level, and create Happier, Healthier relationships for themselves!
To find out more about us head over to Getfitfromwithin.com
You can also connect with us live on Periscope- @Getfitfromwithin. We talk about Relationships, Spirituality, Self Care, Fitness & Health!